NEMBLEWHISKA: Welcome to The Story Hour. You will be hearing the classic tale of Cinderella. In an attempt to make it more interesting, I have thrown in some of my favorite characters from the musical, CATS. You will be…

( NEMBLEWHISKA is drowned out by an ever-growing rumble. It sounds like a motorcycle. NEMBLEWHISKA looks quite worried. The motorcycle crashes through the window. It comes to a stop and the rider climbs off. )

NEMBLEWHISKA: No, it couldn’t be…

( the rider tosses off her helmet and jacket. )

NEMBLEWHISKA: NOOOOOOO! Not my EVIL TWIN!!! You’re in violation of a restraining order, you know.

EVIL TWIN: Yeah, like I care. I’m evil, remember? Nice outfit.

( NEMBLEWHISKA compares her outfit, a wine twinset, khaki skirt and penny loafers to EVIL TWIN’s red sequined tube top, black leather mini, fishnet tights, and combat boots.)

NEMBLEWHISKA: At least I don’t look like I’m designing my own line of hooker wear.

EVIL TWIN: Oh, through the heart. If I had one. ( grins wickedly ) Now, what story are you boring them with?

NEMBLEWHISKA: None of your beeswax!!!

EVIL TWIN: ( looks at book in NEMBLEWHISKA’s hand ) Oh, Cinderella! One of my favorites! I really identified with the characters in that one.

NEMBLEWHISKA: Which ones? The wicked stepsisters?

EVIL TWIN: You can think what you want. ( sits by fireplace ) I want to hear this.

NEMBLEWHISKA: ( looks skeptical ) You’ll shut up and not bug me?

EVIL TWIN: ( salutes ) Sir, yes sir!

NEMBLEWHISKA: All right. Now, where was I? Ah, yes, you will be entertained by this retelling, and I guarantee , you will be left with something to think about…Why are you looking at me like that, Evil Twin ?

EVIL TWIN: You didn’t tell me it was a cheesy remake. Now, I make no promises about my behavior.

NEMBLEWHISKA: ( sigh ) I’ll just have to risk it. On to the story!!!!

( She opens the book. You seem to be pulled into it. You see a very young Rumpelteazer skipping along. She is vomit-inducingly cute )

NEMBLEWHISKA: Once upon a time, there was a young kitten named Rumpelteazer. Her mother had died and she loved her father very much. ( glares at EVIL TWIN, who is pretending to barf up her sleeve. Continues reading, only more forcefully. ) One day, her father remarried–

EVIL TWIN: Cats don’t get married.

NEMBLEWHISKA: I’ll thank you to keep quiet.

EVIL TWIN: If you grind your teeth any harder, they’ll crack.

NEMBLEWHISKA: ( with some difficulty, unsticks jaw ) As I was saying, one day, her father remarried. The queen he married had two mean daughters, Electra and Etcetera. Soon after the marriage, Rumpelteazer’s father died. Her stepmother and stepsisters made her work all day long. After a day of hard work, she would lay by the fireplace to stay warm as she slept. So, they called her

CindeRumpelteazer. As our tale opens, another day of hard work is starting…

RUMPELTEAZER: ( has just awakened ) Oh, Oi overslept! Brea’fast ‘as to be cooked!

ELECTRA: CindeRumpelteazer!!!!!! I’m hungry! I want my breakfast!!!1

ETCETERA: So do I! Hurry up!!!!

EVIL TWIN: Oh, no no no no, LORD no!!! Those two cats are two of the sweetest in the show. I can’t let you do this! ( jumps in the book )

NEMBLEWHISKA: HEY! What the…

EVIL TWIN: ( has appeared in Electra and Etcetera’s shared room) Why are you doing what SHE tells you to? You’re sweet and lovable! Don’t listen to her! Do what your heart says!

ETCETERA: ( thinks a moment ) What my heart says is… GO FIND THE RUM TUM TUGGER!!!!!

( leaps out of bed and runs through the wall, leaving an Etcetera shaped hole )

ELECTRA: I want to go help Rumpelteazer make breakfast.

EVIL TWIN: You go, girl!!!

NEMBLEWHISKA: NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!! You can’t DO this to ME! ( shakes book frantically, trying to get EVIL TWIN out ) You’re mutilating my story!

EVIL TWIN: Ha, HA! Too late to do anything now!

(ELECTRA runs down the staircase and into the kitchen. She sees RUMPELTEAZER scrambling eggs, frying bacon and making tea, all at once )

ELECTRA: Let me help. You’re trying to do entirely too much at one time. I’ll cook the eggs.

RUMPELTEAZER: Oh, thanks. You’re an angel. Isn’t this story dumb?

ELECTRA: Yeah, what was Nemblewhiska thinking?

( both laugh )

NEMBLEWHISKA: NO! Electra, YOU are supposed to be mean, and Rumpelteazer, YOU don’t socialize with her!

EVIL TWIN: Give it up, Nemble, they’ve seen the light.

NEMBLEWHISKA: ( smoke pours from her ears ) All right, I can deal with this. ( forces expression into a grimace resembling a smile. ) Enter the stepmother…

( JENNYANYDOTS comes in the kitchen, singing various parts of the song, " The Gumbie Cat ". She stops singing and sits in a chair. )

JENNYANYDOTS: Oh, you girls made breakfast! How wonderful. You should have woken me up. I would have helped.

NEMBLEWHISKA: NO! You’re supposed to be mean! You don’t HELP her!

JENNYANYDOTS: Oh, right. ( does an unconvincing evil cackle ) These eggs are too well done, the bacon is burned, and this tea ( takes a sip ) is BITTER!

( EVIL TWIN pops up out of nowhere. )

EVIL TWIN: No way! Mean Jennyanydots? That’s stupid!

JENNYANYDOTS: You’re right, it goes completely against my personality. But the tea is bitter.

RUMPELTEAZER: Oh, sorry! ( gives her another cup ) ‘Ow’s that?

JENNYANYDOTS: ( takes sip ) Much better.

NEMBLEWHISKA: ( sprouts fangs and vein pops out on her forehead ) Evil Twin, OUT!!!!

EVIL TWIN: Oh fine. But I’ll be back! ( winks at the READER, then disappears )

NEMBLEWHISKA: ( massages temples ) There came a knock at the door.

RUMPELTEAZER: Oi’ll get that. ( opens door. TUMBLEBRUTUS is standing there. He hands

RUMPELTEAZER an envelope. )

TUMBLEBRUTUS: From His Royal Majesty, King Deuteronomy.

( RUMPELTEAZER gives him a tip for his trouble, and gives the envelope to JENNYANYDOTS.

She opens it. )

JENNYANYDOTS: Oh, my! ( reads out loud )’ His Royal Majesty, King Deuteronomy, commands all young maidens to appear at a ball, held in honor of Prince Mungojerrie’s birthday, in one week.’ How delightful! What will we wear?

RUMPELTEAZER: Oi get to go too, roight?

JENNANYDOTS: Of course, I wouldn’t dream of leaving you behind.

NEMBLEWHISKA: NO, you don’t just give in like that! You’re supposed to give her so many chores to do she can’t go!!

JENNYANYDOTS: Really? That doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

EVIL TWIN: WOOHOO! Girl power!

NEMBLEWHISKA: ( on the verge of exploding ) Please do it. For me. For the reader.

JENNYANYDOTS: All right, but only because you look like you’re about to have a heart attack otherwise. What would keep Rumpelteazer busy for a week? I know! Go clean your room!

RUMPELTEAZER: Now that’s cruel and unusual. How could you? ( starts to cry )

NEMBLEWHISKA: That’s more like it. Now then, Rumpelteazer got right to work on her room, but it was really messy. That sounds so stupid I want to kick myself, but anyway, not only was her room messy, but Electra kept popping in, asking her to sew her, um, dress collar, shine her dancing shoes or sometimes just to gossip.

ELECTRA: So, Bombalurina said that Exotica said she had an aunt that knows this guy’s best friend, and…

NEMBLEWHISKA: So, with one thing and another, the night of the ball was here and Rumpelteazer’s room still wasn’t clean. ( punches her own jaw ). Her stepmother wouldn’t let her go. After they left for the palace, Rumpelteazer ran into the garden–

EVIL TWIN: You never mentioned a garden before.

NEMBLEWHISKA: CRAM IT!!!! So she… oh crap, you made me forget what I was going to say.

( thinks hard ) Oh yeah! Rumpelteazer ran into the garden crying.

RUMPELTEAZER: Why can’t Oi go? My room ain’t that messy!

NEMBLEWHISKA: When all hope seemed to be gone, her Fairy Godmother appeared.

( MISTOFELEES appears with a big cloud of smoke )

RUMPELTEAZER: ( coughing ) Gosh, cut down to a pack a day.

MISTOFELEES: ( also coughing )What am I doing here? I was practicing a trick one minute, and next, I’m here!

RUMPELTEAZER: You just landed in an insane fanficiton. You’re my Fairy Godmother.

NEMBLEWHISKA: NO! DON’T TELL HIM!!!!!

MISTOFELEES: ( horrified ) WHAT?!? I’m a tom!

RUMPELTEAZER: Then why are you wearing wings and a tiara?

MISTOFELEES: What? ( looks in the mirror ) NOOOOOOO!!! ( runs shrieking into the streets )

RUMPELTEAZER: Where’d that mirror come from?

NEMBLEWHISKA: How are you going to get ready for the ball now, huh? You just shot yourself in the foot by getting rid of him.

RUMPELTEAZER: What did Oi shoot myself with?

NEMBLEWHISKA: Never. Mind. I will salvage the story by myself, THANK YOU!

RUMPELTEAZER: You’re welcome.

NEMBLEWHISKA: ARRRRRGH!!! Okay, the vetrinarian thought it would be bad for a cat to get that worked up, so he gave the Fairy Godfather–

EVIL TWIN: Ah yes, the famous and ruthless Don Mistofelees!

NEMBLEWHISKA: Fairy GodMOTHER!!!! The vet gave him some, uh, beer. It worked.

EVIL TWIN: ( admiringly ) You’re good. But I’ll screw it up again.

NEMBLEWHISKA: You’re in the story now. I can control you. MWAHAHAHA!!!! The Evil Twin

fell in the sewers.

EVIL TWIN: ( muffled ) I loathe you.

NEMBLEWHISKA: Back to the story. The Fairy Godmother appeared in the garden again. He comforted Rumpelteazer, then said,

MISTOFELEES: You know, Rumpelteashhher, you are really fine, you know that? ( tries to cop a feel, but RUMPELTEAZER slaps him. )

RUMPELTEAZER: You forget yourself, sir! Now help me get to the ball!

MISTOFELEES: OW! Whatuzz that for? Oh, the ball. I have a coupon for a limo ride, I think. Put your besssshhht collar on and…hic, be back by midnight (falls asleep )

NEMBLEWHISKA: ( crying ) Why me? ( blows nose ) I can do this, I can do this, now what? Rumpelteazer got all fixed--

RUMPELTEAZER: WHAT?!? HOW DARE YOU?

NEMBLEWHISKA: Fixed UP! FIXED UP! ( turns purple ) And then she called the limo company, and they sent one down. Before the limo arrived she went next door and stole a pair of shoes the daughter had outgrown. So, she had her best stuff on…

RUMPELTEAZER: Oiiiiiiii’m, comin’ out, so you better get this party started!

NEMBLEWHISKA: And she arrived at the palace UNEVENTFULLY!

RUMPELTEAZER: Crepe paper and cardboard cutouts? Oi’m all for watching the budget, but this is just tacky!

NEMBLEWHISKA: Then, she saw the prince. It was love at first sight for both of them.

EVIL TWIN: ( is covered in sludge ) Hmmmmmm…

NEMBLEWHISKA: Shut up! SHUT UP!

RUMPELTEAZER: Yeah, ’e’s really cute!

MUNGOJERRIE: ( bows and kisses RUMPELTEAZER’s hand ) May Oi ‘ave this dance?

NEMBLEWHISKA: ( claps hands ) YAY! They’re cooperating! So, they danced. I have to

burst into song!! Something country!

From this moment, life has begun,

From this moment, you are the one

Right beside you is where I belong,

From this moment on.

MUNGOJERRIE: You’re pretty good.

NEMBLEWHISKA: Thank you. But we have to continue the story. Mungojerrie & Rumpelteazer

EVIL TWIN: Were a notorious couple o’ cats!

NEMBLEWHISKA:DANCED EVERY DANCE TOGETHER!!! Rumpelteazer forgot to watch the time, and before she knew it, the bell was tolling midnight.

RUMPELTEAZER: Why do Oi ‘ave to get back by midnight, anyway?

NEMBLEWHISKA: Because the limo company closes then and they can’t drive you back after that!

RUMPELTEAZER: Good reason!

NEMBLEWHISKA: Rumpelteazer ran out the door and started down the steps. Mungojerrie ran after her.

MUNGOJERRIE: STOP! ( makes a flying leap and tackles her )

NEMBLEWHISKA:NO! You don’t CATCH her, you find her slipper on the stairs.

MUNGOJERRIE: ( slightly embarassed ) Well, now Oi can just take it off her foot. ( does so )

RUMPELTEAZER: HEY! Gimme that back!

MUNGOJERRIE: Ha! You can’t catch me, you can’t catch me! ( runs down the steps and stops suddenly at the limo door. RUMPELTEAZER, not expecting it, keeps running and MUNGOJERRIE pushes her in the vehicle) See ya tomorrow!

( RUMPELTEAZER pounds on the window and says something we can’t hear. It’s probably better that way. )

NEMBLEWHISKA: ( breathes through a paper bag, trying not to explode ) Rumpelteazer got home and her stepmother and stepsister arrived home at about 3 in the morning.

JENNYANYDOTS: What a lovely party! The food was splendid, but the decorations left something to be desired.

ELECTRA: Who’s that in our garden?

JENNANYDOTS: What are you talking about? ( looks out the window ) OH!! IT’S SOME DEADBEAT DRUNK!!!

RUMPELTEAZER: Oops…

JENNYANYDOTS: You gave him intoxicating beverges, didn’t you! You’re grounded!

RUMPELTEAZER: But…

JENNANYDOTS: Upstairs! MARCH!

The Morning After…

NEMBLEWHISKA: Mungojerrie had so fallen in love with Rumpelteazer, he went to every house in the city with her slipper trying to find her. Her house was at the far end of the city, so it was almost teatime when they got to it.

MUNGOJERRIE: If Oi see one more foot Oi’ll hang meself. Let’s get this over with.

NEMBLEWHISKA: The Stepmother and stepsister were getting tea ready, when they heard a knock at the door.

JENNANYDOTS: Who could that be? ( answers the door. MUNGOJERRIE and his valet, POUNCIVAL, step inside.)

EVIL TWIN: And fall through the trap door and the rancor eats them. The End.

NEMBLEWHISKA: SHUT UP AND LET HIM TALK!!!

MUNGOJERRIE: We ‘ave come here looking for a certain girl. If this ‘ere slipper fits ‘er, that’s the one. "Ow many daughters ‘ave you?

JENNANYDOTS: Well, I have three, but one is a stalker, and one is grounded.

MUNGOJERRIE: ( holds slipper out to ELECTRA. ) Try it on.

( it doesn’t fit )

ELECTRA: I’m sorry I couldn’t be of any more help.

JENNANYDOTS: Rumpelteazer should try it on too.

NEMBLEWHISKA: NO! YOU DON’T WANT HER TO TRY IT ON!! YOU WANT ELECTRA TO
MARRY HIM!!!

JENNYANYDOTS: Cats don’t get married.

NEMBLEWHISKA: ( makes apoplectic noises )

( JENNANYDOTS takes advantage of NEMBLEWHISKA’s incapacity and gets RUMPELTEAZER )

EVIL TWIN: Gets her what?

NEMBLEWHISKA ( passes out from lack of oxygen )

RUMPELTEAZER: OI! That’s me slipper!

MUNGOJERRIE: Prove it!

RUMPELTEAZER: Oi’ll show you! ( puts on slipper ) See! Told ya so!

MUNGOJERRIE: YES! It is you! Come to me, my darling! ( RUMPELTEAZER jumps into his arms and they kiss passionatly. )

NEMBLEWHISKA: ( comes to ) Whaaaa happened?

JENNYANYDOTS: Look for yourself.

NEMBLEWHISKA: ( reads text ) That’s just how I pictured it! Thank you! ( begins to cry ) You’re all so nice! ( blows nose ) And they all lived happily ever after!

EVIL TWIN: I’ll be back next fic.

NEMBLEWHISKA: And the Evil Twin was back in the sewer.

EVIL TWIN: ( muffled ) I hate you.