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SCENE ONE
[It was a beatiful sunny day in the junkyard, everyone was enjoying themselves in the sun which was shining brightly on the sun baked earth. A car purred into the entrance of the junkyard.]
TANTOMILE to AUTHOR:-
AUTHOR: What? TANTOMILE to AUTHOR???
TANTOMILE to AUTHOR: Yes. I know you're there. I object to the sacreligious use of the word "purr" in conjunction with a car. And have you READ that first sentence??
CORICOPAT to AUTHOR: I agree. ESPECIALLY considering what that car is going to do.
AUTHOR: Especially considering what tha- How do you know what the car is going to do? And hang on a sec, don't you two talk in unison the whole time?
TANTOMILE & CORICOPAT (in unison): Of course not!
[TANTOMILE and CORICOPAT glare at each other]
TANTOMILE: Well not always.
AUTHOR: ANYWAY, how do you know what the car is going to do?
TANTOMILE: It's supposed to run me over!!! You'd think I should know
about something important like that!
CORICOPAT : We read your notes. We know the whole story.
AUTHOR: But I don't have any notes!
CORICOPAT: That's a bit stupid! We read your mind then.
AUTHOR: But I haven't planned this fic properly!
CORICOPAT: Also stupid.
AUTHOR: But- how can you know the whole story if I haven't written it?????
TANTOMILE and CORICOPAT: The subconscious holds many secrets hidden from the waking mind.
AUTHOR: The subconcsious.... right... *shakes herself* Well, now how about you two shut up and let me get on with the fic?
TANTOMILE: And get me run over? No way!
AUTHOR: You wouldn't DIE or anything like that. You'd just be in serious pain-
TANTOMILE: *makes annoyed incredulous noises*
AUTHOR: -and everyone would be upset and CORICOPAT would cry-
CORICOPAT: I would NOT!
AUTHOR: -and pray for a miraculous recovery, and it would so SWEET! TANTOMILE & CORICOPAT: Um, really....
AUTHOR: OK, OK, scratch the getting run over bit, I'll come up with something else.
[VICTORIA materializes]
VICTORIA to CORICOPAT & TANTOMILE: Hey! Who's that you're talking to?
TANTOMILE: Some stupid human who's trying to get me run over!
VICTORIA: Wha?
CORICOPAT: The AUTHOR, dear.
AUTHOR: NO NO NO!! I'm not here, go and get on with your lives!
VICTORIA: Oh right, (narrows eyes) So it's YOU!!! (cheerfully) Hi!
AUTHOR: Go AWAY! Go and find Mistoffelees and cheer him up cos he's discovered his past is shrouded in shadow and deceit.
All cats: WHAT?
AUTHOR: Well, it usually is....
VICTORIA: Unh-unh. Wait a sec. If this is another me and Misto thing- Come on! You guys expect me to desert my true love for my brother???
AUTHOR: Your WHAT???
VICTORIA: Misto's my brother you idiot!
[TANTOMILE & CORICOPAT snigger]
TANTOMILE: It took you fic authors long enough to realise!
VICTORIA: Yeah, you've got no idea how embarrassing some of things we've had to do have been!
AUTHOR: OK, OK, we'll scratch the Misto/Vici thing too....
TANTOMILE: So what ARE you going to do?
CORICOPAT: And what on earth has Macavity got to do with Tantomile getting squished or Vici and Misto-
AUTHOR: Macavity??
TANTOMILE: Yup. Here he comes now.
AUTHOR: Oh yeah, this bit. OK, back into fic mode. Wait a sec! We need Demeter.
[DEMETER appears]
TANTOMILE & CORICOPAT (singing): "I believe it is you-ng Dem-ee-ee-ter."
TANTOMILE: WHAT was that???
AUTHOR (whispering): Shuddup!
DEMETER (sounding bored): "Macavity." You know, I really think some of the passion's gone out of that phrase....
MACAVITY (reading off a script): "Ha. Ha. Ha."
AUTHOR: Hey, where'd you get that?
MACAVITY: I printed it off the internet. You got a problem? It's much more organized this way.
DEMETER "Screams."
AUTHOR (exasperated): DEMETER!!! You're supposed to actually SCREAM!!
DEMETER Sorry, sorry... "aaaah".
[AUTHOR sighs]
MACAVITY (getting into character slightly): "Ha ha ha! Come with me, Demeter!"
DEMETER "Never!"
[MACAVITY advances towards Demeter and unsheathes claws in a menacing fashion]
TANTOMILE: Menacing Fashion? What are we going for here? 80's dress??
VICTORIA (to CORICOPAT and TANTOMILE): So...someone please explain: why aren't we trying to stop Macavity?
CORICOPAT: Dunno.... that would be the sensible thing, but we might actually beat him and then the Author wouldn't get to do the whole Demeter and Mac thing, so...
AUTHOR: Argh! You three are still here? Go away! Vanish!
[CORICOPAT, TANTOMILE & VICTORIA vanish]
CORICOPAT (while vanishing): You realise that this is now totally unrealistic? Why on earth would the Queen of Paranoia Demeter by wandering ALONE near the outside of the junkyard?
AUTHOR: Didn't I tell you to vanish? Shoo!
CORICOPAT (invisible): I HAVE vanished.
AUTHOR: Well shut up then!
MACAVITY: Ahem! ME! My big scene!
AUTHOR: Oh yeah right. Continue.
MACAVITY: "If you won't come with me then I'll have to take you by force!!!!"
CORICOPAT (still invisible): Isn't it amazing where logical thinking can get you?
AUTHOR: SHUT UP!!!
DEMETER "Never!" Uh... didn't I just say that?
[MACAVITY advances further.]
DEMETER Hey! Too close, back off!
AUTHOR: At least ACT scared!
[DEMETER stumbles nervously backwards, unable to breathe properly]
AUTHOR: Hey, that's pretty good!
DEMETER It's not fear- it's the smell! Not ONE of you fic authors have been kind enough to give Macavity a wash!
[AUTHOR sighs heavily]
AUTHOR: OK. Go on.
[MACAVITY picks up DEMETER]
[DEMETER slaps him]
DEMETER Hey! Mind where you put those paws! Couldn't you just give me a piggy back or something?
MACAVITY: OK.
[MACAVITY bends down so DEMETER can climb onto his back]
[AUTHOR bangs head on computer screen]
DEMETER OK, that's much better... I mean: "Aah! Let me go you monster!"
MACAVITY: "Never!"
DEMETER Isn't "never" becoming a teensy bit overused? "HELP ME!! SOMEBODY SAVE ME!!!"
[BOMBALURINA comes running towards them.]
BOMBALURINA: "Demeter? Is that you?"
[BOMBALURINA sees MACAVITY and stops dead.]
[BOMBALURINA dies.]
AUTHOR: NOOOO!! Not literally!!!
BOMBALURINA: Too late.
AUTHOR: I thought you were dead?
BOMBALURINA: Yeah, I am.
AUTHOR: Right... OK, we'll just cut to the next scene....
SCENE TWO
[The sky was dark and overcast with dark clouds which darkly clouded the gloomy alleyway which was Macavity's home.]
CORICOPAT: Talk about subjective weather!! And- argh! Just give up writing these scene setters, will you??
AUTHOR: SHHHUUUUTTT UUUUPPPP!!!!!
DEMETER to
MACAVITY: Well if you really want to know, I think Victoria really has it for the Great Rumpus Cat and Jemima is seriousl- Oh- right, we're back.
MACAVITY: "Hee hee hee." Um excuse me?? ... that's Rumpelteazer. The Napoleon of Crime does NOT go hee hee hee!
AUTHOR: I thought it added variation?!
DEMETER "Aaaah! Someone please help me!!"
MACAVITY: "There's no one who can hear you, my sweet."
CORICOPAT: Oh really? Hi everyone, its me!!! I'm still here! Oh! this is so much fun, I'm totally screwing the plot up-
AUTHOR: SSSSSHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTT UUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPP!!!!!!!
[MACAVITY carries DEMETER (piggyback still) down the alley.]
MACAVITY: You're getting heavy! Doesn't anyone have any consideration for the Hidden Paw's poor back?
DEMETER I could just walk.
AUTHOR: NO! NO NO NO! You could NOT just walk!! It looks stupid enough as it is!!
DEMETER & MACAVITY: Fine....
[They descend steps into dark gloomy Lair]
CORICOPAT: What, darker and gloomier than the dark cloud darkly clouded dark alley?
AUTHOR & CORICOPAT: SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTT UUUUUPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CORICOPAT: JINX!!! Ha! Got you! Now you can't talk until someone says your name and we can get on with our lives!
DEMETER Phew.
MACAVITY: Whoo hoo! No more AUTHOR!!
CORICOPAT: NNNNOOOOO!!!! You idiot!
AUTHOR: I'm back! Thanks, Macavity.
[DEMETER cuffs MACAVITY hard around the head and he falls down]
AUTHOR: Hey! Stop that. He's supposed to be abusing you, not the other way round!
MACAVITY: Yeah! Owch....
[Rubs head. Picks DEMETER up again and stumbles down steps into his lair.]
[Inside Macavity's lair. It was-]
CORICOPAT: Don't you dare describe it!!!!!
DEMETER "Please... let me go. I'll do anything...." Wait a second... that makes no sense AT ALL!!
MACAVITY: Oh you will, will you, darling?
READER: Hey! That wasn't in quotation marks!! Ha! You made a mistake!! Ha!
AUTHOR: No, actually I don't think that was on the script
MACAVITY: Nope. (proudly) I made it up.
DEMETER Eugh! You-
MACAVITY: Well look what IS on the script!
[DEMETER reads script]
DEMETER Eugh! That's really disgusting! I'm not doing that!!
MACAVITY: I think the idea was that you didn't have much choice, but that is disgusting so I won't do it either.
AUTHOR: It's not THAT bad! You've done much worse in your time!
MACAVITY: Well.... it was OK the first few times....
DEMETER (shrieking): MacAVITY!
AUTHOR: OK... we'll pass that up for now.... Hey! DEMETER!!!!
[DEMETER is attacking MACAVITY]
[MUNKUSTRAP appears]
AUTHOR: Hey! Where did you come from?
[MUNKUSTRAP looks around]
MUNKUSTRAP: I dunno. Didn't think this out very carefully, did you? Oh right. "I must save Demeter!"
[Looks skeptically at scene on floor.] Actually, it looks like Macavity needs more help right now...
AUTHOR (growling): Munkustrap.... just fight him...
MUNKUSTRAP: FIGHT him???
AUTHOR: Pretend to...?
[MUNKUSTRAP jumps on MACAVITY. It is very confused as to who is fighting who....]
MUNKUSTRAP: OWWWWW!!!
[DEMETER moves knee]
DEMETER Oh sorry, was that you, Munkustrap?
MUNKUSTRAP: Yes!
MACAVITY: And so it would have been OK if it was me??
DEMETER & AUTHOR: Yes! You're the bad guy.
MACAVITY: But... what if I don't wanna be the bad guy anymore? You know I'm really... *sniffs* not all I'm hyped up to be....*chokes* It wasn't my fault.... I don't know where it went wrong....*swallows* All I really want....
[CORICOPAT pulls red velvet curtain over scene which also magically blocks off the sound.]
CORICOPAT: Why don't we call it a day, before we get into "Macavity's True Story: The True Story of Macavity's True and Tragic Life"????
AUTHOR: Hmmm...now there's an idea for a title.... But WAIT!!! We can't end the story here!!!
All CATS: WHY NOT???
AUTHOR: Cos we need to have a big romantic kiss!!!
CORICOPAT: Cats can't kiss, by the way.
AUTHOR: Yes they can. This is my fic and I say they can. Now kiss him!!!
CORICOPAT: Who, me?
AUTHOR: No! Munkustrap!
CORICOPAT: MUNKUSTRAP KISS MACAVITY?????
AUTHOR: NO NO NO NO!!! Demeter and Munkustrap kiss!
[DEMETER & MUNKUSTRAP look at each other. Not an at all romantically inclined glance]
DEMETER Um... well.... No.
AUTHOR: No? Don't tell me YOU'RE brother and sister too?
DEMETER What?
AUTHOR: Never mind. But we have to have a big romantic kiss!!!
CORICOPAT: Alright then.
[VICTORIA and THE GREAT RUMPUS CAT appear. They kiss passionately.]
CORICOPAT: Happy now?
[AUTHOR collapses]
THE END!!!