Disclaimer: I don't own any of these they're all copyrighted to Andrew Lloyd Webber and therefore Really Useful Group and T.S.Eliot for writing such wicked poems that created one of the best shows there is *grin*
Dedication: This is the first time I've ever dedicated a piece to anyone, but anyway, I'm dedicating this to three people:
Chalchihuitlicue (aka DemeterChristine): Because you write such great stories and wonderful Munk/Dem fluff and you are a brilliant writer, I think you've kind of inspired me in a way if that doesn't sound too odd?!
Ringo: Because you're a great friend and when I showed you my other story (which was pretty pants I thought) you were really nice about it!
Myst: Because you are a great writer with such determination and you deserve it
Oh yeah, and sorry about the amazing amounts of fluff and mush (but if you think this is bad you should see You Are Everything! My bad ) Anyway, ON WITH THE SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
~
A hazy mist has settled over London during the night, engulfing every nook and cranny, it is transparent but a mist nonetheless. In a hidden corner of the city, known to very select few, a small black and gold cat is curled up under the boot of an old Ford. Beside her sleeps a tall, grey tabby, one paw lying across the smaller cat's body, a protective embrace. It is an hour or so before dawn and the only creatures about are a few birds in a stunted tree nearby. The queen's eyes open slowly and she breathes in the soft air of morning. These bleak hours before sunrise were her favourite of the day, a time when, no matter who she was with or where she was, she could feel completely alone and by herself. It was her special time to think, and she revelled in every moment of it.
~*~
My mind has been racing since Munk told me last night, I barely managed to sleep at all and now I don't know what to think. I can remember the exact way the words sounded coming from his lips, the soft sigh he let out afterwards and the exact number of times he licked my head before resting his arm on my shoulders. He thought I was asleep.
I had closed my eyes and my breathing had slowed, it was late and no one else, except us, lay awake in the whole Junkyard. I felt his warm body against my back, I could feel the faint tremor of his heartbeat, making me tingle inside, his warm breath rippled through my head fur. I lay still for ten minutes or more trying to sleep but sleep never came that easy to me. I felt him shift behind me so he was holding his head more upright, I could sense him watching me, making sure I was alright. Then it happened, the moment that has set my mind on edge ever since. He bent his so his chin rested lightly upon the top of my head.
"What would I do without you Demeter?" he whispered, so quietly I could barely hear it though my ears were right next to his mouth, "Hey? What would I do without you?"
I knew I wasn't meant to hear this, I wished that I really was asleep so that Munk could have the private inner thoughts that he thought he was having, I felt his tongue gently lick my fur once, softly so as not to wake me, though I wasn't even asleep. My insides tingled and I struggled not to open my eyes and return the favour. His tongue ran across my head once more before snuggling back down, curling around me and laying his strong arm over me protectively. I then heard the faintest of whispers travel from his lips to my ears.
"I love you Demeter."
~*~
I love you. Love. Love. Love. Love. I hadn't been able to get the word out of my head since then. It wasn't that it worried that Munk loved me, I guess I'd known that since the last Ball, but it was just the actual word. Love. It had set me thinking, did I love Munkustrap?
Two nights ago we had been lying on the big tyre together, just talking and talking about when we were younger, remembering things. We barely touched, perhaps he would hold my paw for a minute, I might touch his beautiful face, we might giggle and softly rub our heads together, but there was scarce contact and yet it felt like something so wonderfull intimate and amazing as you wouldn't believe. We just talked, murmured, whispered, giggled, poked and remembered all kinds of silly things. Did he love me then?
I still remember when I first met him even though it was years ago now.
I was just a scrabbly little kitten, and he was a scrawny, whiny stray with major problems - mainly a superiority complex and a 'slight' anger management problem. It was about a week or so after the Jellicle Ball, though I had been too small to go to it, and I'd noticed the strange cat hanging around the borders of the Junkyard for a couple of days before he actually entered. Amazingly he wasn't immediately set upon by the rest of the Tribe but I guess somehow he sneaked in. Anyway the next thing I knew he'd been found by Old Deuteronomy who had decided to let him stay in the Junkyard for a while because he had been badly treated and that was how Munk came to live with us. Old Deuteronomy had called a special meeting to introduce Munk to the rest of us. I remember how he sat beside Old Deut, looking absolutely tiny and almost quivering with nerves but his pride made his mask of a face try to look indifferent, he looked harsh, uptight and above all, snobby.
Unwittingly he had made the other cats laugh at him. I could see the glint in the eyes of the young toms, they knew they were going to have fun with this one. I could see the queens snigger at the thought of this stupid cat trying to fit in with them. I knew the older cats wouldn't help him as he needed to be able to fend for himself to stay in the tribe. I knew that practically everybody else would be out to tease him, trick him, play pranks on him, hurt him, tempt him, do whatever they could to either bring him down a few notches or simply get him to leave. I think our tribe can be very unloving and hostile to outsiders, it shouldn't be like that, I've tried to change them, so have others, it's just how we are. Anyway, there was something about this cat that it seemed only I could see.
Although he looked scared I thought it wasn't just pride that made him try to look different, he was trying to be brave. He had been edging around the place for a few days, perhaps he was sussing us out, wondering whether it was worth his entering, he's clever. I didn't want him to be hurt, I don't like seeing anyone get hurt, but there was something about this cat, if he was given his chance then I knew he would shine. But he wouldn't get his chance and I knew it, but I was too small to do anything.
Did I love Munkustrap then? Or was I too young to love? Can someone be too young to love? I don't know what it was that made me see him differently from how the others perceived him, perhaps it was my clear kittenish view of the world that made everything simple, like the younger kittens were curious about Grizabella at the last Ball. I don't know. I saw potential in him and perhaps I was seeing the potential for him to be special, for him to be special to someone in particular. Me. I don't think I was in love with him then, just curious.
I don't know how Munk survived that first month, he was never to keen to talk about it, but apparently he was stronger than he looked. I think he scared them by how angry he got and I think Old Deut warned them not to tease him so much, he could see it would turn out dangerously. Thankfully after a month or so of trials and secret surveillance and a bit of research, Old Deuteronomy announced that Munk was officially a Jellicle. It didn't mean that he was a member of the Tribe yet, but it meant that Old Deuteronomy had found out his family background and one of parents had Jellicle instincts in them (in this case I think it was something pretty random like his mother's mother had been Old Deuteronomy's older sister's mate's brother's mate, but then it always is) and that he had enough Jellicle instincts inside him for him to be accepted as Jellicle. He was no longer on his own, as a Jellicle it was the Tribe's duty to protect him if he was in trouble, he could go to the adults for help, he would perhaps find it easier to join in with games, life might be slightly easier for him.
That night we talked a lot about when we were younger before a lot of things happened. It was he who brought up the subject of our first conversation, though I still remembered it exactly as well. It was just less than a month after Munk had been named a Jellicle and before that storm it had just been an occasional acknowledgement, perhaps a 'Hey,' or a 'Thanks' or something like that. I was too shy to talk to anyone except my close family and he was more the 'standby and observe' type unless Admetus was around. Somehow Munk and him had made good friends, Admetus had managed to crack his shell and when they were together you could bet there would be mischief going on. But I'm getting side-tracked. It was a horrible storm, absolutely bucketing it down and somehow we ended up together with Bomba underneath the old Ford, sheltering from the downpour. Of course with only Munk and me around to entertain her Bomba quickly got bored and curled up beside a punctured tyre to go to sleep. I remember lying stretched out a few feet away from the edge of the boot, close enough to see the outside world but not close enough to catch any stray raindrops. I remember lying there watching Munkustrap with fascination.
He was still small then and he was crouched only a couple of inches inside the protection of the car. His whole body was tensed up watching the rain and he seemed to be trying to keep something in, he barely moved but for his front paw which kept touching his collar, it was an old habit of his to do with his anger problems. His intensity was amazing, he didn't stop watching the rain fall, his hungrily watching them drops fall into puddles made me unable to stop watching him. After ten long minutes had passed I decided to break the silence,though it took a lot of courage,
"Whatcha doin'?" I asked, in that playful kiddish tone that everyone uses for that phrase.
It was some time before he answered, he seemed so absorbed in rain-watching that I didn't think he had heard. My head had sunk back onto my outstretched paws before he replied.
"Not being angry," he said forcedly.
A curious answer for sure and looking at him you wouldn't think he had said a word for every inch of him was exactly the same as it had been a minute ago.
"Why should you be angry?" I asked, simply out of my kittenish curiosity.
This time my question got more of a reaction from him. He turned his head towards me, his eyes taking me in, seeing me for the first time in his short life in the Junkyard. Behind his eyes it was apparent there was a lot of thinking going on, but about what I could not guess.
"It's ... a long story."
He turned back to the rain, I remember how his forepaw instinctively went to touch his collar. Something seemed to have 'gone' inside him, his tense body seemed to have inwardly collapsed, he seemed sad.
"The rain doesn't look like it's going to stop anytime soon," I persisted.
He sighed and turned towards me again,
"It's something I don't want to talk about, not Admetus or anyone, hell, I don't even know your name and you want to know my life story?!"
He was becoming angry I could tell and I hadn't meant to anger him, I had heard stories about his quick temper but I still wanted to meet the Munkustrap I had seen sitting next to Old Deuteronomy. I wanted to crack his shell as Admetus had done.
"Demeter," I offered meekly.
"You know me though with all that fuss and talk, I'm Munkustrap," he returned, still facing me.
"I know you're Munkustrap but I don't know who Munkustrap is," I answered timidly, would he shout at me again?
He sighed and turned back to the rain.
"I don't think even I know at the moment ... Demeter," he sighed, only adding my name as an afterthought, perhaps it was a sign of him accepting me.
I was at a loss for words, here was a cat who had managed to get past two months in the Junkyard, just managing the first month had seemed a miracle to me after I had seen the way some of them had treated him, and even though for the past month he'd been officially named a Jellicle it hadn't been much easier for him. Here was a cat who had gotten through all that, he had found us that was know, he had run away from his owners some said, some said he had been kicked out, whatever, he had found us, he was strong mentally I had decided and he clearly had a lot inside him, but now he was looking forlornly out into the rain. I was astonished that a cat like this could seem so sad and lost after the way he had looked sitting up beside Old Deuteronomy. In front of my very eyes Munkustrap had changed, let something slip, let his defences down perhaps. And it was because of me. Because of this I dearly wanted to know Munkustrap, I wanted to know why he seemed so lost, I wanted to know why he was angry, I wanted to know why he didn't like the rain, I wanted to know so much, my curiosity had been aroused and I had found a complex character that I wanted to explore. The trouble was I was too shy. I didn't know what to say so I chose to leave. Munkustrap glanced at me as I carefully rose off my feet then with a sigh he turned wistfully back to the rain and I slunk away to lie beside my friend Bombalurina.
Did I love him then? How can I keep asking myself if I loved Munkustrap before when I'm not even sure if I love him now? I think he's a wonderful tom, I think he's brave and funny, deep and caring and loyal and safe and true. He's a wonderful Protector, he doesn't just protect the Tribe as a whole, like trying to stop Macavity getting to us or helping the kittens understand what's going on, but he protects each individual as well, Old Deuteronomy, Jennyanydots, his friends, Admetus, me. He's always on the lookout for trouble, it's not like he only has half his attention on you and half looking for any disturbances but like he has a little radar that will automatically tell him when something's wrong and he can get on like normal until then. I don't know how he manages it. I don't know how he manages to keep so calm and yet carry all these worries that he know he has. He won't talk to me of them, doesn't want to get me worried as well, but sometimes I think he has too much on his mind, but then, I know that somehow he'll find a way to cope with it all, he's wonderful like that.
I think he's one of the most beautiful cats I've ever seen though I know no one else would ever think that of Munk. A grey tabby isn't exactly unusual, and there are probably thousands of them just in this city, it's not an eye-catching coat, it's immaculately groomed and looks nice but most of the queens will just see him as another plain old tabby. They might see that he's strong and muscular, but he doesn't like to use his power, they'd reject him for that. He has a clever face, he often hides behind it, making it seemingly impossible to know what he is feeling, I think that's what turns most people away, they think he is cold and emotionless, but he's not. When Munk does that it's because he's trying not to show his really extreme emotions, I know he still has flashes of anger and has to use his face to hide it, he doesn't want everyone to see him vulnerable. I wish he wouldn't hide behind a mask, but I know that he feels safer doing that, and I guess it's a good thing, in some inexplicable ways, but if he knew how much more beautiful he is when he laughs and smiles, when he relaxes and you know that his face is genuine. But whatever it is that people see to make them not like him, to like other toms instead, Tugger, Alonzo Quaxo, I don't see it. For me, there couldn't be a more spectacular grey coat, there couldn't be any greater wonder in that hidden power of his, no other tom could shine like he does, no one could appear, to me, so astoundingly amazing as he does, and I wouldn't want them to anyway.
Does that mean I love him? I know he has faults, I know that he doesn't have a great deal of self-confidence, surprising for someone like Munk I know, but still, he doesn't let on about it much, just hints, you know. I know he's not perfect, but that doesn't matter, all that matters is that he's alive and well and sleeping beside me.
How will I ever know if I'm in love? Do you suddenly just know like the idea just appears in your head? Or do you have to decide for yourself? Do I even know what love really is? How can I tell if I'm in love with Munkustrap if I don't even know what love is? Is love wanting to be with someone forever? Is love knowing that no matter what you'll always stand up for that person? Is love just pure lust? Is love knowing that despite the fact that that person has faults, you wouldn't want them any other way? Is love that funny tingly feeling you get inside whenever you listen to those sappy stories people tell you, when you hear mushy things, when someone does something special for someone else that they care about, for you? Is love feeling excited whenever you're alone together, or when there's that edge of not knowing exactly what they are going to do next but not caring because you know you'll like it anyway? Is love enjoying every second you spend with that person, even no words are said or nothing is done, just the fact that you are together? Is *this* love?
So many questions and I have no answers.
~*~
The sun appears from beneath the towering piles of human refuse, it's soft rays piercing through the mist, lighting everything with a pale, sleepy light. It seeps under the boot of the car to where two cats lie, one awake and one still sleeping. The dark queen slowly uncurls herself and turns to face the silvery tabby who lies in blissful sleep. She gently nuzzles her orangey head against his neck so that he twitches and purrs.
"Munk," she murmurs, "it's daylight."
"It's too early," he mumbles in return.
"It's summer Munk, you can't help it," she lets out a soft laugh as she gently licks his cheek, "come on, you've had your beauty sleep ..." she trails off as he slowly opens his eyes and gazes at her face.
"Mmm, so have you it appears," he whispers, licking her nose affectionately.
She giggles and slowly stretches out a paw to strokes the back of his head,
"Perhaps you can have a little lie in."
He makes no reply but pulls her closer and they rub heads, purring with the pleasure of the contact of the other cat.
~*~
Is this love, I ask myself once more, wishing I knew the answer. Just the warmth of his body makes me happy, having him right here beside me sends shivers down my spine though I should have gotten used to it by now. It's like every time he touches me is a fantastic new experience. I don't know about love but it's definitely the most I've ever cared about a single tom in my whole life. I can't help it but after all the thinking I've done this morning I find myself constantly asking the question, is this love? But I still don't know the answer.
~*~
The female snuggles closely to the other cat, her back curling into his chest, he instinctively puts his arms around her, their paws meet and carefully entwine.
"Munk, is this ... is this love?"
The tabby's face clouds over, wondering where this question came from, he inclines his head so it is closer to hers.
"I ... don't know, Dem," he says slowly, "I don't think I've ever been in love before."
He licks the top of her head absently, both of them absorbed in their own silent thoughts.
"Do you think this is love Dem?" he asks tentatively.
The queen's pale face becomes puzzled, she is fighting a final inner battle. Eventually she slowly wriggles over to face him once again.
"I think ... this is."
He purrs and they nuzzle each others heads, rubbing and licking, softly caressing, stroking and each bringing pleasure to the other.
"I think so too," he purrs.
"I know," she replies.
He stops nuzzling her and slips his arms around her back ot look her straight in the face.
"You know?" he asks, his tone a mixture of wonderment, confusion and perhaps a small bit of worry.
"I ... kind of heard you last night when ... when you thought I was asleep."
They both grin sheepishly and the tabby wriggles in embarrassment.
"It doesn't matter, I was going to tell you soon anyway."
"I'm glad I did, I don't think I'd have realised how much I ... care ... for you otherwise," she smiles shyly, "What would I do without you Munkustrap?" she says, cheekily using his words from the night before.
He smiles, knowing why she used those words,
"I'm glad you heard, it's saved a lot of inner confrontations and self-humiliation."
"Aww, I never knew Munkustrap could get embarassed," she says a wicked glint enetering her eyes.
"Yes, but it's not something we're going to share around, *are* we Demeter?!" he says bringing his face closer to hers.
"That remains to be seen," she teases.
"I may be forced to take serious measures to keep you quiet," he threatens a hint of playfullness detectable in his voice.
"Like what?"
"Like ... like this!"
He kisses her suddenly so she is unable to speak and a look of surprise mixed with pleasure crosses her face.
"That *might* suffice ..." she says, playing up to him, "or you may just have to do it again!"
He leans in and kisses her once more, both cats purring deeply.
~*~
* If I should die this very
moment *
* I wouldn't fear *
* For I've never known completeness *
* Like being here *
* Wrapped in the warmth of you *
* Loving every breath of you *
~*~
Everlasting Cat, I love him.
* Author's Note: Well I hope you liked it, fluffy I know, but what do you expect *grin* it was originally meant to be Demeter contemplating the different types of love she has felt and then it was meant to be Demeter remembering things between her and Munkustrap but that was too close to the other story I'm writing so then it turned into this *grin*. Hope you enjoyed it!!!!!!!!!
* Disclaimer: The song bit (the second to last section, surrounded by stars) is 'Gorecki' from Moulin Rouge (the little bit Satine sings when Zidler has just found her and Christian and he tells her to go to the Duke), written by Andrew Barlow Louise Rhodes *