Disclaimer: I don't own CATS. The mangled lyrics of Jingle Bells originally belonged to someone else too....
~
AUTHOR: Welcome one and all! No, this isn't a CATS parody of A Christmas Carol. This is just a little show the Jellicles decided to put on for us-
RUMPELTEAZER: Oi! Decided? Er, you mean forced, shou'ed a' an' threatened with wha' 'appened to Cori an' Tant las' toime!!!
MUNKUSTRAP: Has anyone seen Cori and Tant lately?
AUTHOR (starts singing loudly) JOY TO THE WORLD!! LA LA LAAA LAAA!!
DEMETER (unblocks ears tentatively): OUCH! Are you quite finished?
AUTHOR: What? Oh yeah, singing.
DEMETER: You call that singing????
AUTHOR (looking very hurt) Well yes actually I do! Anyway, let us never speak of Coricopat and Tantomile again.
MUNKUSTRAP: Last I heard, they were headed for the RSPCA (Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals)-
AUTHOR: JOY TO THE WORLD!!!
MUNKUSTRAP: -after being tied up and gagged for the whole of your last fan fic.
AUTHOR: LA LA LAAA LAAAAAA!
DEMETER: You really should learn the words, you know.
AUTHOR: No I shouldn't. I'M not the one doing the carol concert anyway. You are. Right! Now everyone line up in nice little lines!
[All Jellicles suddenly appear lined up neatly.]
TUGGER: Hey! What's going on?
DEMETER: We're being forced to do a fic for Jellicle_girl again. No- worse. A carol concert.
AUTHOR: Oh come on! What about Christmas spirit?
RUMPELTEAZER: Nope! Don' see any around 'ere.
AUTHOR: You lot are hopeless! Maybe we SHOULD do A Christmas Carol just to teach you a lesson.
[There is an uproar]
ALL CATS: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
AUTHOR: OK, OK... Well let get on with the concert then.
[JENNYANYDOTS raises a hand]
AUTHOR: ....yes?
JENNY: I really don't think much of the decoration, to be honest, Ms Jellicle_girl.
[Everyone looks around at the junkyard which is liberally and tastelessly covered in tinsel]
AUTHOR: I was pushed for time, OK???
[JENNY purses lips]
JENNY: But really... if you'd just told me... I could have done wonders with a couple tree branches and pine cones and a bit of spray paint... You've really just not made an effort.
AUTHOR: OK, OK... You can decorate all you like AFTERWARDS, OK? We're keeping the audience waiting!
RUMPELTEAZER: Wha' audience? You don' seriously think anyone's gonna read this do ya?
AUTHOR: I'm sure they will. Won't you? Please keep reading!!
DEMETER: OK... that was pretty pathetic. I didn't think even you resorted to blatant begging.
AUTHOR: Well, not normally. Anyway. Let's start. Jingle Bells!
[Everyone starts singing Jingle Bells in varying keys without any enthusiasm at all, apart from Jenny, singing about one and a half octaves above anyone else. And two other cats who are singing very lustily indeed...]
ELECTRA and TUMBLEBRUTUS: JINGLE BELLS, TUGGER SMELLS, HE SHOULD GO AWAY! HIS EGO'S BIG AS A FATTENED PIG AND WE THINK HE MIGHT BE G-
AUTHOR: Hey!!!! Stop that right now!
TUGGER: (incredulously) Electra?? I thought you loved me!
ELECTRA (shrugs): Meh. Apparently not.
AUTHOR: And "fattened pig"?? Where did that come from?
TUMBLEBRUTUS: Well, Jemima helped us with the lyrics a bit. There's more, d'you wanna hear?
TUGGER: JEMIMA???
JEMIMA: Sorry, Rum Tum...
TUGGER: I'm gonna cry... Victoria? You still love me don't you?
TUMBLEBRUTUS: Oh no, she only has eyes for the Rumpus Cat now.
VICTORIA: (punches TUMBLEBRUTUS) Shut up, you!
TUGGER: Etcetera????
ETC: Yeah, guess so. I dunno though, seeing how uncool you've suddenly got...
TUMBLEBRUTUS: Speaking of the Great Rumpus Cat-
AUTHOR: We were?
TUMBLEBRUTUS: -yeah. Where is he anyway?
AUTHOR: WHO CARES???
VICTORIA: I care!
TUMBLEBRUTUS: Oooh!
VICTORIA: Shut up!
MUNKUSTRAP: Actually, you know, the GRC's not the only cat who's missing...
AUTHOR: (buries head in hands) Oh no....
[enter MACAVITY]
MACAVITY: Oh come on, it just wouldn't be a fan fic without....
DEMETER: MACAVITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AUTHOR: Now why couldn't you been that dramatic in the first fanfic??
DEMETER: Dunno, didn't feel like it, I guess.
AUTHOR (sighs heavily): Er, hi there, Macavity... Would you like to be part of our carol concert?
MACAVITY: What?
AUTHOR: We're having a lovely little carol concert. Um, you could sing a solo if you want...
MACAVITY: I-I could? A solo? M-me? Well, I must admit, I've always wanted to... A kind of kittenhood dream, y'know? Ahem...
[MACAVITY walks out to centre stage...]
RUMPELTEAZER: We 'ave a staige? Oi didn't notice.
[The rest of the stage is plunged into darkness as he takes the spotlight...)
RUMPELTEAZER: We 'ave a SPOTLIGHT????
MACAVITY (in a very strange deep bass voice) Haaaaaave yourseeeeeelf AAAAaaaaa merrry little Chriiiiistmaaaaaas......
AUTHOR: He's not bad...!
(10 minutes later)
MACAVITY: May your days be merrYYYYYYY and BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT....
RUMPELTEAZER: (yawning) Is 'e done yet?
[RUMPELTEAZER stretches and accidentally scratches TUMBLEBRUTUS with her claws]
TUMBLEBRUTUS: Ey! Vicki, cut it out!
VICTORIA (from across the other side of the stage) Me?? What did I do?
TUMBLEBRUTUS: What did you do? Only nearly claw my eyes out!
VICTORIA: How could I? I'm way over here!
TUMBLEBRUTUS (who can't see in the dark very well!) Over where?
[VICTORIA jumps across the stage and knocks RUMPELTEAZER into TUMBLEBRUTUS]
TUMBLEBRUTUS and RUMPELTEAZER: OW!!
TUMBLEBRUTUS: Right! That's it! You asked for it, Victoria! [attacks]
AUTHOR: Stopitstopitstopit!!! [jumps accross stage and tries to separate two fighting cats]
[Enter CORICOPAT, TANTOMILE and 3 RSPCA inspectors]
CORICOPAT: This is the one I told you about! See look, she's attacking two innocent- well comparatively innocent - kittens right now!!
[TANTOMILE nods emphatically]
INSPECTOR 1: What do you think you're doing, Madam?
AUTHOR: Ow! Don't kill me! Macavity singing... Teazer scratched Tumble and he thought it was Victoria and she- he couldn't see and it was so dark! So dark!
INSPECTOR 2: You know, I'm not sure this is our department...
INSPECTOR 3: Yeah, they certainly didn't cover insanity in the job description.
INSPECTOR 1: Come along Madam.
AUTHOR: But no! The concert.... joy to the world... NOOOO! The end? But- no! The tradition! I'm supposed to collapse at the end of every fic!! Nooooooo.....
[INSPECTORS exchange worried glances.]
ELECTRA and TUMBLE start singing again: JINGLE BELLS, TUGGER SMELLS, HE SHOULD GO AWAY....
AUTHOR: No... Electra.... such a nice kitten really... don't listen to him! And Jemima! How could you?... noooo.....
INSPECTOR 2: Have you had a little too much egg nog do you think?
INSPECTOR 3: Or catnip, perhaps? (laughs uproariously at his own joke)
AUTHOR: NOOOOOOO.... Christmas spirit and a lot of pretty tinsel... yey....
[TANTOMILE taps CORICOPAT on the shoulder and he draws magic red curtain mercifully across scene.]
MACAVITY: And althoooooough it's been said, many times, many waaaaaaays.... MEEEEEERRRRYY CHRRIIIIIIIISTMAAAAASSS TOOOOOOOOOOOO EYOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!!!
~
The REAL author's notes: OK, so I had to write a Christmas ficlet! Um yeah, HAPPY CHRISTMAS!