Disclaimer: *sigh* Does it look like I own CATS? I really don’t! And I’m very thankful to the people who do (TS Eliot, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Trevor Nunn, RUG and anyone else I’ve missed out) for making it, although I doubt my family are- I think the effects of my obsession are really starting to sink in...
Munkustrap had been trying to get up the nerve all day. Now, as he forced himself towards the tyre on which Demeter was sitting, he wore an expression more suited to one walking to his death.
"Hi, Munk!" Demeter said cheerily, grinning at him.
That completely unsettled him, and he almost blurted out "what’s the matter with you??" when he remembered both the purpose of his visit and the fact that Demeter actually being happy was a good thing; just not something he’d gotten used to quite yet...
Munkustrap had, of course, prepared a speech. It had, obviously, been a very good speech, full of passion and enthusiasm and yet very clearly stating his aims by the end of the speech. And he had, predictably, at that moment, no intention of saying it whatsoever.
Instead, he made goldfish noises. Goldfish are, of course, usually rather quiet, at least to human and cats’ ears, so the noises Munkustrap made were completely inaudible, although his mouth was opening and shutting as if he were putting a lot of effort into the movement.
"Are you trying to say something?" asked Demeter. Munkustrap was once again struck with admiration at the amazing skills of discernment she possessed.
"Oh yes, I am!" he said, suddenly remembering.
"What is it?"
"It’s- it’s-" more goldfish quiets followed.
Demeter smiled slightly, but waited patiently and Munkustrap was struck yet again with more admiration.
"It’s - it’s-"
Before Demeter could do anything else that might cause Munkustrap to die of repeated blows of admiration, he finally got to the point:
"Will you be my mate?"
The reaction was rather unexpected. Demeter said: "Well, maybe. I’ll go ask Cori and Tant, shall I?"
Munkustrap’s mouth dropped open in a rather good impression of a rainbow trout. "What???"
"I’ll go and ask Cori and Tant if I will be your mate," she repeated calmly.
"Why?"
She shook her head and explained very slowly. "They’re the only ones who can tell the future."
"What?"
"They’re the only ones who can tell the future!"
"What??"
"THEY’RE THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN TELL THE FUTURE!!"
Munkustrap sat down heavily. "Yeah. I know that."
"Yeah, so that’s OK?"
"What?" asked Munkustrap.
"Stop saying that!!"
"Sorry. But what’s that got to do with it?"
"What’s what got to do with what?"
"What??"
"Um, never mind," said Demeter. "Let’s start the conversation again."
"OK."
"OK," assured Demeter, "Go!"
"Go?"
"Start the conversation!"
"Oh, OK. How did it start?"
"With you going O o O o."
"I didn’t say "ooooh", did I?"
"No, that’s just the way of writing down goldfish not-noises."
Munkustrap groaned. "I don’t have to make those silly faces do I? Can’t we just get to the important bit?"
"If you want."
"Right. o O o O o O."
Demeter stared at the tom in slight confusion. "I thought you weren’t going to make funny faces?"
"I wasn’t."
"But you did!"
"I didn’t mean to!"
"Oh, right," said Demeter in a tone that suggested the opposite, something more akin to "Oh, wrong."
"I meant to say," Munkustrap pressed on, "I meant to say o O o O"
"You just said you didn’t!"
"No no no no... do we have to do this, it’s getting boring! OK, deep breaths Munkustrap, in, out..."
(It should be mentioned that at this point, Munkustrap began his yoga breathing and continued to do so for some minutes. Then Demeter asked him what he was doing and he explained the importance of using the diaphragm. Then she said she would like to try and they both breathed deeply for another half hour. This part has been omitted from the narrative as it has even less to do with the story than the previous part. We shall now skip on to the really important bit without further ado, yoga, goldfish or salmon for that matter. Or caviar or Strausbourg pie, but as you weren’t getting any of that anyway that is just added irrelevance.)
"Demeter, will you be my mate?" asked Munkustrap, sitting down before her. Sitting looks no where near as dramatic as kneeling but cats can’t kneel. Neither can goldfish, but that is beside the point.
"I don’t know. I’ll ask Cori and Tant shall I?"
"Why?"
"Because they’re the only ones who will know. They’re the only ones who can tell the future! They’re the only ones who hold the key to the knowledge of the-..."
The realization that had started to dawn on Munkustrap’s face was fading as the talk turned to magic keys, so Demeter stopped.
"You mean," he said slowly, "that you’re going to ask Cori and Tant if you actually will be my mate in the future?"
"Yes."
"Because you don’t know?"
"Of course not. How could I know the future?"
"But do you want to be my mate?" asked the tabby desperately.
"Yeah, definitely, but-"
"You do?" squealed Munkustrap in a disturbingly high voice.
"Yeah!"
"You do?" he repeated, "You will?"
"I already said: I don’t know!"
"But what could stop us?"
Demeter gave Munkustrap a withering look generally reserved for Etcetera and generally implying the sentence: oh honestly, you can’t seriously think Tugger is actually fit can you? "What could stop us? Think about it Munk, any number of things!"
"What- you think Macavity’s going to come and get you or something?"
Demeter nodded, considering the prospect. "Or he might kill you."
"Hey, thanks!"
"It’s always a possibility!" Demeter started walking away.
"Where are you going?"
"To find Cori and Tant."
"What- so you can find out if Macavity’s going to be making any attempts on my life in the near future?"
Demeter gave him another "honestly, Etcetera" look. "Don’t be so over dramatic! That particular event is very unlikely!"
(Please note: Demeter is being very kind, but actually very foolish. It is actually very likely indeed. Given that approximately 1 in 4 fanfics include Macavity (event X) and nearly 85% of these include a fight-to-the-near-death with Munkustrap (event Z), the actual probability of this event (event A) works out thus:
P(A)=P(X)xP(Z)
=0.25x0.85
=0.2125
=21.25%
As you can clearly see now, there is more than a two in ten chance of a Macavity attack involving Munkustrap for each fanfic written. In order to work out the "in the near future" part, it is necessary to find out how often fanfics are written and therefore events take place. However, since the author has now decided once and for all that she would much rather be an author than a mathematician and considering the fact that she simply cannot be bothered to find the exact figures, we will not be calculating this.)
Munkustrap leapt after Demeter and grabbed her paw. "But- wait!" he panted, "Are you really sure you want to find out what tragedy lies in store?"
"We don’t know that a tragedy lies in store," said Demeter reasonably.
"But are you sure you want to find out about it if one does??" Although Munkustrap’s sentiments were perfectly reasonable, the fairly desperate tone of voice he adopted undermined them considerably. Nevertheless, due in no small part to her amazing discernment, Demeter stopped and pondered the suggestion.
"You know, I’m not sure I do actually..." she said.
"Oh good. So, can we just be mates regardless of whether we’re actually going to be or not?"
"That’s the best idea you’ve had all day!" Demeter cried, nuzzling his chest affectionately. "I love you Munkustrap."
And Munkustrap staggered under the crippling blow of adoration.