Hopeless romantic and word mangler extraordinaire jellicle_girl is back. ...This is all UTTER MADNESS. If you have anything against hilarity and riot you should turn back now XD (not that this deterred Skimble...you'll meet him later...)
Disclaimer: You know the drill. I am not ALW or anything to do with RUG and I don't own them nor do I claim to do any of that. I am not making money with this story unless someone sends me some for no apparent reason but that's not my fault anyway (but everyone is welcome to send me money!). I do not own the characters of CATS, but this story is mine. No copyright infringement meant etc. (This story is mine btw) My name is not Old Deuteronomy, and I never claimed it was so why am I writing this??
~
INTRODUCTION
[All cats are gathered together in middle of junkyard. The sky might be scarlet for all we know since Jellicle_girl has vowed never to describe the weather again after the first fic]
AUTHOR: Right. Listen up. Since this whole fanfic business did not go too well last time, I've decided to give you some incentive. If you cooperate, I'll give you catnip afterwards.
JENNYANYDOTS: Excuse me! Are you trying to foster dangerous addictions in our kittens?
AUTHOR (genuinely confused): Dangerous addictions???
[JENNY shakes head at the author's ignorance]
VICTORIA: Quite honestly, I'm surprised you came back!
AUTHOR: Well, as you can see, I've taken certain precautions this time.
[Everyone turns to look at CORICOPAT and TANTOMILE who are tied up and gagged in a corner.]
CORICOPAT (mind-to-mind to TANTOMILE): As soon as this fic's over, we're going to the RSPCA!
TANTOMILE: You bet.
[JENNY raises paw]
AUTHOR: Yes?
JENNY (flicking through a script): I've been reading through this-
AUTHOR (mutters): Never worked out how you get a script before I've even written the story properly...
JENNY: What's that, dear? Oh, from the in-ter-net (pronounces word proudly and carefully) Electra's been showing me. It's really rather clever, isn't it? Anyway, I'm concerned that some of this material is not very kitten friendly!
AUTHOR: Well... the kittens don't have to see, do they?
JENNY: Yes, but-
Electra: "Jenny, Jenny! The mice just ran out of baby blue wool!" (looks at AUTHOR) What did I just say??
[JENNY runs off, grabbing knitting bag on the way out.]
AUTHOR: There, now she's out of the way.
ELECTRA: Right... very clever...
AUTHOR: Anyway, in this fic we will discover.... (dramatic pause)
TUMBLEBRUTUS: YAAAAAWWWWNN!!!!
AUTHOR (glares at TUMBLEBRUTUS) Who is the true love of the Rum Tum Tugger's life!
[All the cats look rather unimpressed. Except TUGGER.]
TUGGER: Alright! A fic starring me! Start queuing up ladies!
MUNKUSTRAP (sceptically): You mean that we'll get to discover who the author wants Tugger's true love to be?
AUTHOR: Well-
MUNKUSTRAP: It's Bombalurina, isn't it?
AUTHOR: Well- yes, but-
BOMBA: Noooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! NOOOOO!!! Not AGAIN! I've done this so many times... I don't think I can take the torment... Please... I don't have to kiss him again do I?
AUTHOR: Well, actually that was the plan...
TUGGER: I'd have thought you'd welcome the chance, Bomb!
BOMBA: Oh shut up. And as for YOU! (glares at AUTHOR) What have you got against me? I mean, you made me DIE in your first fic!
AUTHOR: THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT!
BOMBA: Oh really? I call it cruelty to cats and the English language. "Stops dead"! What a stupid phrase...
AUTHOR: If we can just get on with THIS fic now...?
SCENE ONE
[BOMBALURINA is wandering about, pondering her life and her love.]
BOMBA: "Oh how I wish Tugger would notice me! Oh how I wish he would see how much I truly love him!" (completely cracks up laughing) OK... number 1, of course he notices me! EVERYONE notices me! And number 2... please can we get this straight: I DO NOT LOVE THE RUM TUM TUGGER IN THE LEAST! I THINK HE IS AN EGO-FILLED B-
JENNY: beeeeep!
AUTHOR: Hey! How did you get here?
JENNY: Wherever there is a rude word that needs beeping out, there I will be!
AUTHOR: OK... your assignment for next time: work on a better slogan. Now shut up and listen to Bomba.
BOMBA: "If only he could love me the way that I love him! Oh Tuggero, Tuggero! Wherefore art thou, Tuggero?" (completely deadpans) What the -
JENNY: beeeeeeeep!
BOMBA: did I just say?????
AUTHOR: Bombalurina, please stop swearing. This is supposed to be kitten friendly!
JENNY: Well, I'm afraid it certainly isn't, Ms. Jellicle_Girl!
AUTHOR: Shut up.
BOMBA: "With what passions does my heart rend itself in two!" Rend itself in two? "With what ardour does it writhe? With what fever does it burn? With what love beyond will or reason does it be on fire? With what obsession does it smoulder? (Stops for breath) With what strong feelings does it destroy itself within my bosom?" I cannot believe I'm saying this!!! And just leave the thesaurus alone will you? Strong feelings? Be on fire???
AUTHOR: Stop criticising my script! I can't take it!!
BOMBA: Sorry, but this is the biggest piece of- sugar (smirks at Jenny) that I've ever been forced to say! Oh- cross stitch... there's more... "I must go to him and tell him how I feel. No longer can I suffer in the silence of wrath and burning of my suffering!" And I will seriously go crazy if I have to stand spouting more of this er fudge caking er rubbish...
SCENE TWO
[Bombalurina's house.]
BOMBA: Excuse me? I'm a cat! I do not have a flipping house!
[...BOMBA is standing on her balcony, gazing out into the...
um...mid afternoon sun... TUGGER is in her garden, getting up
the courage to come and at last tell her how he feels.]
BOMBA: BALCONY!?!?
TUGGER: "Here I am outside my true love's house!" Hey look everyone, it's me! The Ruuuum Tuuuum Tu-ugger!
[A crowd of queens around him start cheer leading.]
ETCETERA: Give me a T! Give me a U! Give me-
AUTHOR: Tugger!? You brought your fan club?
TUGGER: Oh, no, they just kinda invited themselves. They really can't bear to be apart from me. You can understand why...
AUTHOR: Arrrgghhh! OK, you lot, vanish!
[Etcetera etc vanish]
TUGGER: "Here I am outside me true love's house!" Didn't I just say that? "My true love is in yonder house! Within these fair walls is the sweetest treasure of them all. My dear, gentle, fair, pleasant, nice, kind, precious, darling, sweet, melodious, pleasing, agreeable Bomb!" PLEASE leave the thesaurus alone!!
BOMBA: "Oh Tuggero, Tuggero! Wherefore art thou, Tuggero?" I've already said that *beep*ing line!"
AUTHOR: How did Jenny do that? Well, I just thought it was too good a line to waste!
TUGGER: "Oh here I am, Bombalurina!" Huh! I see your inspiration ran out here! "Oh, Bomba, how I have yearned to tell you of me unceasing, undying, truest of true love for you!"
[BOMBA sighs with happiness.
BOMBA then sighs with exasperation.]
BOMBA: "Oh Tuggero, Tuggero! Oh, climb up to my windowo,
that I might see thy handsome face and look into thine eyes so
glazed!" (starts laughing) Eyes so glazed?
TUGGER: How dare you insult me!?
AUTHOR: Hey! That took me ages! It rhymes!! Almost... Well, Tugger, climb up to her window!
TUGGER: Me? Climb a wall?
AUTHOR: Yes!! You're a cat! You're supposed to be able to "run up a wall and swing through the trees"!
TUGGER: But... I'm a lazy spoilt cat!
BOMBA: Oh for *beep*s sake!
[BOMBA climbs down instead]
TUGGER: Hey babe.
BOMBA: Don't even think about it Tugger. Stick to your stupid lines!
TUGGER: OK, OK... "Have not saints lips, and pilgrims too?" What?
AUTHOR: You uncultured swine! It's from Romeo and Juliet! You're asking to kiss her.
TUGGER: Right... yeah... "Have not saints lips, and pilgrims too?"
BOMBA: Yeah maybe, but cats don't.
AUTHOR: Bom-ba!
BOMBA: Whatever, OK, you can kiss me. Er (sigh) I mean..."Lips that they must use in prayer, but since we are cats that doesn't matter so kiss me my darling!"
TUGGER to AUTHOR: Who are you calling uncultured?
AUTHOR: Just kiss. It's supposed to be sweeeeeet!
[TUGGER and BOMBA reach out towards each other to kiss...]
[JENNY enters with VICTORIA,
ELECTRA, ETCETERA, JEMIMA, and pulls thick red velvet curtain
across scene.]
JENNY: Ahem! I strongly disapprove of this!
[SKIMBLESHANKS appears]
SKIMBLESHANKS: So do I!
[Everyone stares at him]
AUTHOR: Skimble?
SKIMBLESHANKS: What? Just voicing my opinion. Oh! Got to go, Night Mail's leaving... 10 minutes ago...
[SKIMBLESHANKS exits]
AUTHOR: Right... that was interesting. Now, if you don't mind, we'll continue with Tugger and Bomba.
JENNY: Actually, I DO mind.
AUTHOR: Shut up. I-
JENNY: (gasps) Excuuuse me! Now, as I was saying-
AUTHOR: -think you should-
JENNY: -disapprove strongly of thi-
AUTHOR: -and let us continue the-
JENNY: -kittens have a sweet- (breaks off ready for author to interrupt, but she doesn't.)
AUTHOR (after a short pause): Sweet? What's sweet?
JENNY (sighing heavily): As I was saying... I think we will here have a little sweet presentation from some of the kittens.
[ELECTRA, ETCETERA, VICTORIA and JEMIMA smile sweetly.]
JENNY: Now, some people have been complaining that Jemima always gets to sing and Victoria gets all the good dances. So... Today I'm going to let Etcetera dance-
[VICTORIA pouts, ETCETERA grins]
JENNY: And for our little song we'll be hearing-
[ELECTRA smiles in anticipation]
JENNY: -Victoria!
ELECTRA: Hey! How come I never get to do anything?
JENNY (affectionately): Because you're rubbish, dear.
ELECTRA (swelling with anger): Well! Um... Jenny, the cockroaches need some help with cross-stitch!
JENNY: Do they really? Oh,
I must help them!
[Dashes off anxiously]
AUTHOR: Well... um... thanks, Electra... I guess.
ELECTRA: (fiercely) I'm not done yet! Etcetera! Isn't that the Rum Tum Tugger over there?
[ETCETERA squeals and runs away]
ELECTRA: Victoria! The Great Rumpus Cat is very lonely today!
VICTORIA: Oh, Rumpy! [Sprints away]
ELECTRA: Jemima...er... Oh look, there's a moon to go sing to!
JEMIMA (the smart one): No there isn't! It's 2 in the afternoon.
ELECTRA: Oh, what the heck.
[ELECTRA bonks JEMIMA on the head]
AUTHOR: Electra! You've just knocked Jemima out!
[ELECTRA glares menacingly]
AUTHOR: N-n-not that I have a problem with that... So... would you like to sing and dance something for us?
ELECTRA (scoffs): Sing and dance? No way! With my new powers I can do much more that that! I can fulfil my life's desire and TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!! Mwa ha ha!!! Be warned all cats and people!
[She runs off, paws flailing.]
AUTHOR: OK... Well, er, back
to Tugger and Bomb.
[Draws back red curtain]
[Behind the curtain are revealed: TUGGER, surrounded by DEMETER, CASSANDRA, RUMPELTEAZER and ETCETERA (who must have some sort of homing device) aswell as BOMBALURINA who is trying to groom MUNKUSTRAP at the same time as combat the violent affections of POUNCIVAL]
AUTHOR (shouts): What is going on here??? Tugger! Bomba! Come here! The rest of you, get out! Wait!
All cats: Wait?
AUTHOR: Yes! Munkustrap and Demeter, what were you two DOING? You're supposed to be mates!
DEMETER: I know we're "supposed" to be, but that's only according to certain dubious sources. Have it from me: we're not mates.
MUNKUSTRAP: Didn't we already have this discussion? Have you even read your first fanfic?
AUTHOR: NO! I locked it away in a dark place and try to never think of it ever.
[MUNKUSTRAP raises eyebrows]
AUTHOR: Just get out! NOW!
RUMPELTEAZER: Hee hee hee! Someone's gettin' in a stress!
AUTHOR: RUMPELTEAZER, ONE MORE WORD AND I'LL WRITE A FANFIC ABOUT YOU!
[RUMPELTEAZER runs away as fast as possible screaming in terror at the prospect. Other cats grumble but disappear too, at least from view]
AUTHOR: About time. Now... continue your scene please.
[BOMBA sighs heavily and gives TUGGER a tiny peck on the cheek]
*Aaaaaawwwwwwwww!*
BOMBA: Hey, where'd the *beep*ing sound effects come from?
AUTHOR: Shut up.
TUGGER: "Ever since I first saw you, I knew you were the one for me! Bombalurina, you have set my heart afear!"
BOMBA: Shouldn't that be "afire"? And do you have some sort of obsession with the mutilation of vital organs?
[AUTHOR growls.]
BOMBA: OK, OK. Er, "Oh my dear Rum Tum Tugger, I feel exactly the same way about you! I love you so much!" What? No I don't! Just to get this straight before I have to spout more rubbish: I DON'T love you; I think you're an ego-filled- er maniac. Oh *beep*, here we go again. "I really do love you, I don't think you're an ego filled maniac at all!" This is really not funny anymore!
TUGGER: But this is! Look what happens now!
[TUGGER approaches BOMBA shyly]
BOMBA: Excuse me- shyly???
[-he very gently rubs his head
against her shoulder and she purrs softly...]
[BOMBA growls ominously]
BOMBA: "Oh! My world is spinning! I've never felt like this before!" (moans) Why do I have to think aloud? WHY??
[TUGGER strokes her gently
and she swoons-]
[BOMBA bursts out laughing]
BOMBA: SWOONS??? ME??? *laughs uncontrollably*
[AUTHOR continues narrative
stubbornly: into his tender embrace... ]
[BOMBA collapses with laughter. She falls into Tugger and knocks
him to the floor.]
AUTHOR: Right! That's it! No catnip for you!
ELECTRA: (having appeared at some point...): Ha ha ha! And no catnip ever for anyone but me! I have got it all in my secret lair! Ha ha ha! I am going to take over the woooorrrrlllllddd! Hee hee hee!
[AUTHOR collapses]
MISTO (having also appeared at some point for no apparent reason by magic of course cos it's cool... and sweet...?): Do you have collapse every time?
AUTHOR (moans): Yup... I think it's becoming a tradition...