Author's Notes: Oo, yeah, I'm back with a vengeance! This story took a really long time for me to write, so I'm sorry for the delay, but I hope you think it's worth it! Warning: The plot was last seen wandering naked through the Serengeti.
~
(scene opens to the cozy armchair by the fireplace. *SEE CINDERUMPELTEAZER* NEMBLEWHISKA is, of course, seated in the armchair with a book in her lap. "Moonlight Sonata" is playing on a record player)
NEMBLEWHISKA: Welcome back! I'm so glad you came for The Story Hour with me. Due to the literary disasters that were Cinduhduh...(clears throat) and Slooping Beety (bangs head against arm of chair) I have decided to write my own story for this. The title is, " A Surprise For Bombalurina", and I will try to include all the Jellicles.(opens book) I suppose I should say that I have taken extra precautions in keeping my Evil Twin out of here. This book was locked in a safe prior to coming here, and I triple-checked the book before...
(door bursts open. in strides the EVIL TWIN)
NEMBLEWHISKA: What sort of fiendish plot is this?!?
EVIL TWIN: (kicks turntable. standard "vwiiiip" sound issues from it as the music halts) It's called, " Helping You Regain Your Sad Little Life." Come with me. (grabs NEMBLEWHISKA's arm and drags her toward the door)
NEMBLEWHISKA: WAIT!!! Where are we going?!?
EVIL TWIN: The headshrinkers.
NEMBLEWHISKA: NO!!! I've already opened the book, I have to read the story NOW, or they'll be trapped!!! (breaks free and runs back to the book. starts reading hurriedly,) One day in the Junkyard, Jennyanydots thought there was something different about Bombalurina. She...
EVIL TWIN: (gets NEMBLEWHISKA in a headlock and pries her hands off the book) No, I had this appointment scheduled six weeks ago. You have to come NOW, or I don't get any free candy!
NEMBLEWHISKA: What!
EVIL TWIN: The head doctor is giving out free chocolate this week if you get a friend to come with.
NEMBLEWHISKA: That DOES sound good. (gets dragged out the door) NOOOOO!!! THE POOR CATS!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
(all is silent for thirty seconds. then)
MUNKUSTRAP: Hello? Anyone out there? Why did the story stop?
NEMBLEWHISKA: HEEEEEELP! SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF THIS CAR!!! YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST!!! SHE'S GONNA CRASH AND KILL US ALL!!!!
EVIL TWIN:(looks disgusted) Nemble, I haven't even started it yet.
NEMBLEWHISKA: Oh.
EVIL TWIN: Tell ya what, you come with me this once, and I'll never borrow your black minidress again.
NEMBLEWHISKA: The one that looks so good with those shoes?
EVIL TWIN: (crosses her fingers behind her back)Yeah, that one. I promise.
NEMBLEWHISKA: OK, deal. Are we there yet?
EVIL TWIN: No.
(ten minutes later)
NEMBLEWHISKA: Are we there yet?
EVIL TWIN: No.
(five minutes later)
NEMBLEWHISKA: Are we there yet?
EVIL TWIN: NO.
(five seconds later)
NEMBLEWHISKA: Are we there yet?
EVIL TWIN: I'LL CRASH THIS CAR THIS MINUTE, SO HELP ME IF YOU DON'T SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE!!!
NEMBLEWHISKA: OK. ( two minutes later) So, are we there yet?
EVIL TWIN: Grrrrrrr....(puts in a P.O.D. cassette and turns it up)
BOMBALURINA: C'mon, Monky-strap, why aren't they telling the story?
MUNKUSTRAP: Don't call me that! I think there's no one out there.
DEMETER: It was... MACAVITY!!!
BOMBALURINA: Don't be paranoid!
DEMETER: Sorry, it's a nervous reflex.
RUM TUM TUGGER: What do we do if there's no storyteller?
MUNKUSTRAP: Someone has to go out there and be the narrator.
RUM TUM TUGGER: All right, let's decide who gets to go. One, two three, NOT IT!!!
ALL JELICLES PRESENT EXCLUDING MUNKUSTRAP: Not it!
MUNKUSTRAP: Not...oh, darn it!! I'm not going! I refuse!
RUM TUM TUGGER: OK, that's fine. You don't have to go if you don't want to.
MUNKUSTRAP: Really?
RUM TUM TUGGER: NO! (grabs MUNKUSTRAP by the arm) Plato, get over here and help! (PLATO grabs MUNKUSTRAP's other arm. They proceed to throw him, kicking and screaming, out of the book and into the study)
MUNKUSTRAP: (brushes himself off. sits down in the armchair. picks up book) What do I do now, Einstien?
RUM TUM TUGGER: Make something up! The book makes it happen!
MUNKUSTRAP: Really! (eyes gleam wickedly) Like this? " Plato and the Rum Tum Tugger are kittens." (PLATO and the RUM TUM TUGGER turn into kittens. they are wearing diapers and bonnets that are bigger than their entire bodies)
PLATO: (belches loudly, and begins to cry) WAAAAAAAAAAH!!! I don wanna be a baby! RUM TUM TUGGER: You better turn us back right now, or we'll tell our mommies on you!
MUNKUSTRAP: ( has been rolling on the floor, laughing his head off) Oh, that's priceless!
CASSANDRA: Oh, what an adorable mini-Tugger! (picks him up and continues gushing)
RUM TUM TUGGER: I guess this isn't so bad.
MUNKUSTRAP: The Rum Tum Tugger was actually a full-grown cat!
(CASSANDRA is still holding him, so she gets squashed flat)
PLATO: What about me? I wanna be a big boy!
RUM TUM TUGGER: What did you have against her?!?
MUNKUSTRAP: She broke our date last week!
EXOTICA: Harsh, man. Harsh.
MUNKUSTRAP: (looks around quickly) Did anyone else hear something just now?
EXOTICA: Yeah. MUNKUSTRAP IS A BEAN BRAIN!!!!
MUNKUSTRAP: I guess it was just the wind.
EXOTICA: Grrrrrrrr...(stalks away, tail thrashing angrily)
NEMBLEWHISKA: I changed my mind. I'm not going in there.
EVIL TWIN: C'mon, you promised.
NEMBLEWHISKA: I was under duress! I can't be held responsible for anything I said!
EVIL TWIN: If you don't go in now, I will invade every single story you ever write!
NEMBLEWHISKA: You're doing that now! What would be different?
EVIL TWIN: Ya got me there. (they have reached the door. EVIL TWIN takes NEMBLEWHISKA's collar and boots her in)
PSYCHIATRIST: Good afternoon, ladies.(his voice is squeaky and cracks several times) What seems to be the problem?
EVIL TWIN: We had an appointment with Dr. Scratch&Sniff * AUTHOR'S NOTE: all you Animaniacs fans out there, I apologize*
PSYCHIATRIST: He went home sick. I'm filling in for him. My name is Poin Dexter. Come in and sit on the couch here. (turns on tape recorder)
(the girls have a scuffle to see who gets the most couch. EVIL TWIN wins.)
NEMBLEWHISKA: See, she always gets what she wants! It's so unfair, what I have to put up with! Just yesterday, she...(tape recorder gets turned off. Silence for 3 hours. Recorder is back on)
NEMBLWHISKA:...then he stole my lunch money, the slimeball! Wait, what was I talking about?
EVIL TWIN: (jumps awake) Principal, I swear, I didn't set that fire!
NEMBLEWHISKA: What?!?
EVIL TWIN: Never mind, never mind. (sounds terminally bored) Is it my turn to vent?
POIN DEXTER: Yes. (holds out bowl of candy) Would you like a lemon drop?
EVIL TWIN: (leans forward as if she's about to take some, then kicks the bowl out of his hand. candy flies everywhere) I like Warheads.
POIN DEXTER: Ah, yes. A bit too sour for my liking. Can you tell us what quarrels you have with your sibling?
EVIL TWIN: "Tell us"? What, there's more than one of you here? God forbid. What bothers me about Nemblewhiska is she's so uptight and goody-goody. She can't be this wound up and go to college or whatever. And when she gets going...
POIN DEXTER: Uhhhhh...(takes Ibuprofen) It's going to be a long day.
JEMIMA: What's Bomby's surprise, anyway?
MUNKUSTRAP: I'll find out. (reads briefly, then starts laughing fit to kill) Oh, that's great! Nemblewhiska must hate you, Bombalurina.
BOMBALURINA: Why? What happens to me?
MUNKUSTRAP: You're pregnant! (laughs so hard we are concerned that he may, actually, bust a gut)
BOMBALURINA: NOOOOOOO!!! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!!!
MUNKUSTRAP: Sorry! I can't change it! Mwa ha ha!
BOMBALURINA: Fine, let's just get this dumb story over with! If you don't stop laughing, Imma hurt you badly!
MUNKUSTRAP: (composes himself, and clears throat) OK, here goes, *snort-snicker* (small rock hits him on the forehead) OW! All right, all right, I'm serious now! 'One day in the Junkyard, Jennanydots thought there was something different about Bombalurina. She...'
DEMETER: Nemblewhiska already read that part.
BOMBALURINA: And we now know that I'm pregnant, that's what's different, so skip to some action!
MUNKUSTRAP: ExCUSE me! WHO is the narrator here, you two or ME?!? Huh? Whaddya say to that! (deep in thought for a moment) You're right. We do need some action here. Let's see...Jellylorum agreed, blah blah blah...then she said....Bombalurina said no way... aha! Here! "She had already begun to show when the rest of the Jellicles heard. The queens were happy for her. And the toms...'
ADMETUS: There's no way! I swear, I never laid a paw on her!
POUNCIVAL: It had to be somebody! She couldn't do it by herself!
ALONZO: You know who I think it was...(stares pointedly at RUM TUM TUGGER)
POUNCIVAL: (doesn't get it) Who?!? Why aren't you saying anything?
TUMBLEBRUTUS: Yeah, don't hold back on us!
ALONZO: Of all the brainless! (grabs their heads and points them at RUM TUM TUGGER)
POUNCIVAL & TUMBLEBRUTUS: Ohhhhh...
RUM TUM TUGGER: What?!? Why is everyone staring at me? Did I grow another arm? (realization dawns) Oh, no. Don't go getting any ideas. Our relationship is strictly platonic!
DEMETER: Yeah, whatever. Wasn't that you I saw outside her box last night?
RUM TUM TUGGER: N-nnn-no! She...borrowed my comb! That's it, she borrowed my comb and I had to get it back!
BOMBALURINA: It wasn't him!
DEMETER: Who was it, then?
BOMBALURINA: (shrugs) All I know is, once Nemblewhiska gets back here, I'm going to beat her till she can't grow anymore!
ETCETERA: (comes bouncing up to the group) Hi, everybody!!! How are you today? Boy, Bombi, you're looking heavy! What's wrong?
BOMBALURINA: Nemblewhiska got me pregnant!
ETCETERA: Oh, that's nice. (goes to greet the others. stops) WHAT!? (looks at BOMBALURINA, looks at the camera with wide eyes, then faints)
RUM TUM TUGGER: Now, I would have paid to see that. (DEMETER smacks him upside the head) OW! I'm just saying, is all!
VICTORIA: Bombi, can you feel them moving yet?
ELECTRA: That's so cool, you're gonna be a mommy!
JEMIMA: Can I touch your stomach?
BOMBALURINA: Sure, I guess.( they all take turns touching her stomach. A problem is suddenly clear to BOMBALURINA) Who's going to help me with the birthing part?
DEMETER: Jellylorum & Jennyanydots, of course.
MUNKUSTRAP: They're not here.
BOMBALURINA: WHAT?!?
MUNKUSTRAP: They went on vacation during one of the parts you didn't want me reading.
BOMBALURINA: Then who knows how to deliver kittens?!?
EXOTICA: Well, I do have some experience. You probably don't want my help, though.
BOMBALURINA: (gives no sign that she heard EXOTICA) Hello! Anybody?! I can't do it on my own! (starts to walk away)
EXOTICA: BUT, I WAS GOING TO SAY, I'll be happy to help!!! *author's note: give it up exotica. they didn't hear you. * But YOU can see me! What's wrong, why can't they? *author's note: don't worry, you get your part soon. you are supposed to be the hero * Oh. All right. I can wait. I'll have my day. (goes and curls up on the old tire for a nap)
EVIL TWIN:...hauled me off to the principal's office and gave me detention! Come on, the hole was hardly visible!
POIN DEXTER: (mumbling)The life and times of high-school girls, fraught with perils...
EVIL TWIN: What?
POIN DEXTER: Oh, nothing. I've noticed you keep mentioning 'your biggest problem' but you haven't said what that is.
NEMBLEWHISKA: Hey, he's my problem too!
EVIL TWIN: Yeah, I told him to come, but I don't know if he'll show. (someone knocks on the door) Maybe that's him!
(POIN DEXTER answers the door. in walks GUARDIAN. he is 7 feet tall, with a cat's body and bat wings)
GUARDIAN: (holding a pink pair of briefs) Evil Twin, I just did my laundry, and do you see this? (waves briefs around) These weren't like this before! I know you're the one who put that red sock in my white load! How am I supposed to save the world in pink underwear?!?
EVIL TWIN: Hey, my lucky red sock needed to be washed! 'Sides, I figured it was the only way I'd get you to come down here!
POIN DEXTER: Why don't you join the group and talk things out with your sisters?
GUARDIAN: Oh, no. Don't make me a part of this! Day in, day out 'oh I'm suffering,' 'oh I'm in pain,' 'someone love me, I need love'! I'm a superhero darnit! (sits by POIN DEXTER, puts an arm on his shoulder like they're old buddies) Look, I love my sisters, I really do, but sometimes I have more pressing matters to attend to, like saving the world, rather than having to deal with their psychological problems 24/7.
EVIL TWIN: Hey I heard that! You think I'm a psycho!
GUARDIAN: (stands up) You ARE a psycho!
NEMBLEWHISKA: (stands up, too) It takes one to know one!
GUARDIAN: I wasn't talking to you, little girl!
NEMBLEWHISKA: Oh, you think I'm little?!
GUARDIAN: You're littler than me!
EVIL TWIN: Everyone's littler than you!
GUARDIAN: Hey, I can't help it that some megalomaniac genetically altered me to try and turn me into a super-soldier for his army!
NEMBLEWHISKA: Oh, sure, always focusing on YOUR problems!
GUARDIAN: Hey, my problems are important! My feelings are valid! Maybe if you two harpies weren't always complaining about your sad little lives, you'd see that!
POIN DEXTER: (sees things are about to get violent and stands) Now, now. Let's calm down, here.
GUARDIAN: SIT DOWN! (shoves him back into his chair)
NEMBLEWHISKA: Hey, you can't treat him like that! The man's a professional, for gosh- sakes!
GUARDIAN: Oh, yeah?!
EVIL TWIN: Hey Nemblewhiska, maybe you're not the only one who's tired of Big Brother always telling us what to do.
NEMBLEWHISKA: Let's get him! (turns around. kicks him)
EVIL TWIN: (punches him) That's for calling me a harpy!
GUARDIAN: (shoves NEMBLEWHISKA, punches EVIL TWIN) You two drive me insane, with your...your...insanity!
(they're going at it. typical cloud of dust, with an arm or leg occasionally visible)
NEMBLEWHISKA: YOU ALWAYS SCARE OFF ALL MY DATES!!!
GUARDIAN: I THOUGHT IT WAS YOUR FACE THAT SCARED THEM OFF!!!
EVIL TWIN: YOU BORROWED MY CAR WITHOUT EVEN ASKING ME!!
GUARDIAN: WELL, EXCUSE ME, I WAS SAVING THE WORLD!!
NEMBLEWHISKA: SURE, USE THE 'SAVING THE WORLD' ARGUMENT AS A LAME CRUTCH, LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO!!!
POIN DEXTER: Stop that! Stop it I say! (someone's foot strays and kicks him in the head, knocking him out. this stops the fighting)
EVIL TWIN: (has a scratch on one cheek) Great, now look what you've done.
GUARDIAN: (one of his ears is inside out, and his wings are crumpled up) This is another fine mess you two have gotten me into.
NEMBLEWHISKA: ( her hair looks like she's combed it with a blender) We're gonna be in SO much trouble.
(their focus was on POIN DEXTER. they look at each other, and crack up)
EVIL TWIN: Oh, that's priceless! (doubles over and positively cackles)
GUARDIAN: Look at your hair, Nemble! (grips top of his head, to keep his brains in there where they belong)
NEMBLEWHISKA: My hair! Look at your ear! (laughs so hard she falls on her rump)
EVIL TWIN: (wipes tear out of eye) Oh, I needed that. Guardian, you can go now. We don't need any more help.
GUARDIAN: Okay, see ya later!
(NEMBLEWHISKA & EVIL TWIN sit on couch and just start gossiping away)
EVIL TWIN: I saw the guy whose girlfriend knows the boy that's her nephew, and so...
BOMBALURINA: Have we figured out who will help me when my time comes?
PLATO: An who's gonna change me back from a baby? (drools profusely)
JEMIMA: I think you're out of luck, there. Munkustrap hates you!
PLATO: WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
DEMETER: Jemima! Don't tease the baby, he doesn't know you're joking!
BOMBALURINA: Speaking of Munkustrap, where is he? He hasn't stuck his big nose in the story for a while, now.
ETCETERA: (has a bandage around her head) I'll find him for you guys. Have no fear, Etcetera is on the case. (looks up. lets out a blood-curdling shriek) AAAAAAAAHHH!!! Oh, that's freaky!
BOMBALURINA, JEMIMA, & DEMETER: What was that?! (ETCETERA points up. they look up and scream) AAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
ETCETERA: Fraidy-cats, it's just Munkustrap asleep on the book! His head does look funny from here, doesn't it? (scracthes head beneath bandage) How do we wake him?
BOMBALURINA: On three, we all yell at him. OK...THREE!!! *author's note: yes it's a dumb gag there. and I'll thank you to respect it* (they yell. MUNKUSTRAP jumps about ten feet in the air)
MUNKUSTRAP: Officer, I swear, I don't know anything about that catnip! (looks around ) Oh, yeah. I'm outside the book.
BOMBALURINA: Get on with the story, 'Strap
MUNKUSTRAP: Hey, nobody said anything about catnip! Geez, why is everyone so accusing?
BOMBALURINA: Look, I don't care what you do with your free time. Do you know what I really want?
MUNKUSTRAP: What?
BOMBALURINA: Come a little closer and I'll tell you. ( MUNKUSTRAP leans forward ) Closer! ( he leans closer ) Just a little further. ( he leans down till his ear is touching the page ) Okay. ( clears throat ) I WANT YOU TO GET THIS DAMN STUPID STORY OVER WITH NOW!!!!!!!
MUNKUSTRAP: AAAH, MY EAR!! All right, all right, you know, saying "please" doesn't hurt. Bombalurina's labor pains began.
BOMBALURINA: YEOW!!!
MUNKUSTRAP: And they were most fierce.
BOMBALURINA: AHHHHH, I want my MOM!!! Wait a minute, "most fierce" doesn't sound like something Nemblewhiska would write! Are you making that up?
MUNKUSTRAP: You'll never know, will you? BWA HA HA!!!! But, just as Bombalurina had begun to despair of her life...
BOMBALURINA: Good writing! Oh, sorry. ( puts hand to head ) Oh whatever shall I do? This labor is more than I can bear!!!
ETCETERA: Hey, I like the emoting!
BOMBALURINA: Why, thank you!
MUNKUSTRAP: AHEM, AHEM!! As she began to despair of her life, help arrived, in the most welcome, but often overlooked, Exotica! ( confused ) Who's Exotica?
EXOTICA: I'm right here! ( wind blows, ruffling her fur and her scarf dramatically ) And I know just what to do!
DEMETER: Nice entrance!
ETCETERA: Nice scarf!
EXOTICA: Enough! I can't stand compliments when there is work to be done. So, on with the birthing!!
BOMBALURINA: YAY!
EVIL TWIN: ...So then, I told him, " You rotten baboon (but I didn't really say baboon), if you like football so much why don't you marry it?" And then he threw his nachos at me and I stalked off in a rage.
NEMBLEWHISKA: (grabs a piece of Stuffed Crust Pizza before EVIL TWIN can) Why do all your dates end with you stalking off in a rage?
EVIL TWIN: Because boys are morons. Oh, look, Mr. Dexter is waking up!
NEMBLEWHISKA: Want some pizza, Dex? You were asleep when we ordered, so you might not like it.
(POIN DEXTER takes pizza cautiously, like there might be a bomb in it.)
EVIL TWIN: Oh, look at the time! We'd love to work on our problems more, but we have dates!
NEMBLEWHISKA: We do? (EVIL TWIN stamps on her foot) OWW! I mean, we do! Thank you for a wonderful appointment! ( They both exit, leaving the pizza. The wonderful, cheesy, Stuffed Crust Pizza. *slap!* get ahold of yourself)
POIN DEXTER: (looks around at ruins of his office) That's it, I quit! I never wanted to be a psychiatrist anyway. Now, it's time for my true calling! THE BALLET! ( be afraid. Be very, very, afraid.)
EXOTICA: Congratulations, Bomba! You're a mommy! Six times over.
JEMIMA: Oh, they are all so cyuuuuute I could just eat them up! But, again, who's their father?
RUM TUM TUGGER: Let's ask them. (picks one up) Hey, kitten. Who's your daddy? (DEMETER slaps him upside the head) OWWW! What was that for?!
DEMETER: For being a coarse tomcat. Also, I don't like you.
ELECTRA: Was it as painful as they say?
BOMBALURINA: I could see through time. (all females within hearing wince)
GUARDIAN: They are kinda cute.
MUNKUSTRAP: What are you doing here?
GUARDIAN: I have no idea.
THE KITTENS: (staring at GUARDIAN) Daddy! Daddy!
GUARDIAN: Oh, no! I ain't getting' dragged into this!
EXOTICA: Well, then who is their father?
(NEMBLEWHISKA and EVIL TWIN enter, singing "It's a Long Way to Tipperary" and making up half the words )
EVIL TWIN: It's a long way, to Tipperary! To the sweetest girl I know!
NEMBLEWHISKA: Goodbye, to Halle Berry, hello Sheryl Crow! Oh, Munkustrap! You didn't have to come all the way out of the book! I would've gotten to you guys eventually.
MUNKUSTRAP: Ah, the lady of the hour! Maybe you can answer the question everyone keeps asking!
NEMBLEWHISKA: That would be?
EVERYONE, INCLUDING GUARDIAN: Who is the father of Bombalurina's kittens?!?
VICTORIA: You know, the more I look at them, the more they look like Mistofelees.
( everyone looks at each other, feeling disturbed. )
DEMETER: Surely not...
ETCETERA: No way!
JEMIMA: Stupid!
ELECTRA: Out of the question!
MISTOFELEES: (enters, wearing a bathrobe and a towel wrapped round his head, brandishing a scrub brush) Rum Tum Tugger, I have had it up to here with you using my shower and not cleaning your fur out of the drain!
THE KITTENS: Daddy! Daddy! MISTOFELEES: (looks at BOMBALURINA and THE KITTENS) NOOOOOOOO!!! (turns to run shrieking into the streets, but runs straight into the wall and knocks himself out)
GUARDIAN: (places blanket over MISTOFELEES) Rest well. Dream of voluptuous queens.
BOMBALURINA: Well, that was a dumb story!
EVIL TWIN: It's over now. Exotica, will you do the honors?
EXOTICA: Delighted! (pulls down curtain)
Special thanx go to everyone who's read my stories and especially to Jesta for being so patient in waiting for this one! THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!
NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED (much) DURING THE WRITING OF THIS STORY. A DUCK SPRAINED HIS WING, AND RUMPELTEAZER ALMOST CHOKED ON A BUTTON, BUT THAT WAS IT.